The Commission Starring Nitz the Bloody #3
By Neil Kapit
The Uberzeppelin is the pinnacle of Skree technology and Nazi/German design. It is the prime battlestation of the Nazi Empire, the mothership of the entire fleet. It is host to more than ten thousand personnel. Currently it is floating around the Earth’s atmosphere, imposing itself on the sky for lesser beings to watch and fear.
Lesser beings not including the Commission, who have snuck into the launch bay and have one simple plan; to destroy the Uberzeppelin and everyone in it.
“ Nitz to base, Nitz to base, “ Nitz the Bloody announces through a small radio implanted in his helmet. “ I’ve successfully gated in. So, uh, what do I do now? “
Jonathan Armstrong Stanng sits in the dark blue control room, entering inputs at a large console. Molly Kitsarugi stands behind him, nursing a black eye and a broken arm. “ I’m sending coordinates of where I suspect the control room is.”, he tells his team. “You and the Umbra follow it there. Bateleur and the Enlisted will cover you. “
A squad of half a dozen stormtroopers teleports to the Commission’s location. They all focus their arm cannons on Nitz and the Umbra. “ Nitz to everyone, “ the Priest of Zeku screams, “ We need backup! “
” Allow me, “ the Umbra smiles, speaking in earshot of the stormtroopers. “ I’ve died before, and come back. Death doesn’t scare me. Shall we find out if it scares you boys? “
One of the stormtroopers yells something in German, and starts shooting. In that instant, the Umbra dissipates, and she envelops the entire squad. Muffled screams ensue, and all the little Nazis fall to the floor. “ I take it, “ the Umbra grins, “ that the litres of liquid hitting your pants indicated a fear of death? Good to know. “
” Jesus, lady,“ Nitz shouts, “ Six men just died. How can you possibly joke in this situation? “
” When you’ve seen as much death as me, “ the Umbra snaps, “ You need to find levity wherever you can. Look at the Enlisted. “ Plasma blasts echo through the halls, along with screams of “ Die, Bad Nazis, Die! “
“ We can have a calm discussion of courtesy and appropriateness later, “ Stanng shouts in the Commission’s heads. “ Now find that control room! “
They continue down the hallway. More Nazi stormtroopers in armor come. More screams ensue. Nitz yells “ Twistereku “ and a miniature cyclone rips through the halls. Stormtroopers fly everywhere, some of them losing their respective lunches. One of the doorways on the side of the wall is jarred loose, and an eerie blue glow permeates from the entrance.
“ What the hell is in that room? “ Nitz asks.
“ I don’t know, “ Stanng says, “ But I’m getting energy readings beyond anything I’ve ever seen. Proceed with caution. “
Entering the room, Nitz and the Umbra trail long black cables tracing along the ground. After several feet of wired floor, they arrive on a platform in a spacious circular area to see where the cables are connected....in the center is an African human baby, hooked up to dozens of wires. It appears to be asleep at best, vegetative at worst.
“ Oh s---, “ Stanng says, “ This must be the Platinum Child. According to my readings, it’s hooked up to the ship’s arsenal. With a power source like that, they could annex Parodopolis in seconds. “
” A BABY? Are you serious? “ Nitz asks.
“ The Child’s power levels make you look like a spastic in a safety helmet by comparison, Nitz “, Stanng exclaims. “ More so. “
” And what about compared to YOUR powers, “ the Priest of Zeku growls.
“ Actually, though I’m loathe to admit it, this Child is even more powerful than me. Whoever controls it could shape the very fabric of the dimension itself. “
“ Great, “ Nitz exclaims, “ So what do we do? “
” Remove it immediately. Be careful, the slightest miscalculation in removing the wires could kill it. “ Nitz starts slowly removing wires from the baby, his forehead sweating profusely and his hands shaking.
” Oh my god, “ Molly screams across the dimensions, “ The ship’s cannons are lighting up! It’s about to fire! “ Nitz’s jaw almost drops out of its socket as he accidentally yanks the baby out of the wires. It seems okay, evidenced by the fact that the moment Nitz removes the wires, it starts bawling fiercely. After Nitz removes the Child from its cradle, the room turns dark. Nitz shouts “ Luminateku “, and his cudgel lights up, casting a fluorescent light like that of a thousand fireflies across him and the baby. When the light turns on, several stormtroopers are standing in the doorway, pointing their cannons at Nitz.
“ Barriereku! “ he shouts, and a green forcefield envelops him. He runs through the troops, pushing them away with his energy shield. He is still holding the Child, who at this point is still crying and has spit up some kind of milk-like substance all over Nitz’s red leather coat.
“ Gross, “ Nitz grumbles as he runs through the hallway, dodging enemy fire as his nose wrinkles up in disgust. “ I just washed this thing! “
“ Quit your bitching, you can just create a new one“ Stanng tells him. “ Now head to the control room. I’ve pinpointed its exact location so far. “
” Great, so what do I do to the control room? “
” Say Overrideku in front of the console. Gain control of the ship’s CPU. Then shut all life support and communication systems down. “
” You sure? That would kill everyone on board. “
” Everyone except us. We’ll gate away before the air supply runs out. They won’t. “
“ Excuse me if I’m not keen on the idea of murdering all these people. “
” Didn’t you learn anything from your fight with the Supremacist? These animals would do the same to you and worse. We f--- them before they f--- us, understand? “
” Right, I guess so. “ At this point, Nitz has followed a trail beamed into his eyepieces to the control room, a massive space packed with soldiers and other personnel. “ Overrideku. “
Nitz pauses as an unfamiliar stream of data flows through his mind. Soldiers in the control room turn their guns to him, but a familiar flying man swoops down on them, using yellow energy claws to tear off the soldiers’ heads and limbs. “ Do your thing, Nitz, “ the actor known as Bateleur says over the communication lines, “ These guys have been disarmed. Heh. “
Nitz briefly shudders at Bateleur’s statement, then gets back to focusing on the interface in his mind, trying to drown out the Platinum Child’s bawling, and realizes the ship has a self-destruct sequence. In other words, a quicker way to destroy the ship. “ Everyone out, “ he screams as he focuses on a blinking red light between his eyes, “ I’m blowing up the whole f---ing place! “
Nitz blinks, then teleports himself and the Child out. The other members of the Commission follow suit. The last thing they see is a lot of fire, and a blinding flash that subsides quickly.
Having returned to the Citadel, the Priest of Zeku watches the destruction of the uberzeppelin. He sees the long, thin ship exploding, trails of fire streaking through it, until it finally shatters into thousands of pieces. A dimensional warp bomb the Enlisted planted ensures that the pieces do not fall through the Earth’s atmosphere, and instead are directed to the Elemental Plane of Fire, where they are immediately disintegrated.
“ How many people do you think I just killed, Stanng? “, Nitz asks.
” Ten thousand, give or take a few hundred, “ Stanng shrugs. “ But how many people would they have killed, Nitz? Or at the very least, incarcerated in their concentration camps? You saved the whole f---ing world, man. Be proud. “
“ You think they’ll be back? No bodies, no deaths... “
” You’re thinking along the lines of comic book superheroes again, Nitz. When the Commission puts someone in the ground, they stay there. And even if more Skreenazis from other dimensions come, we’ll be ready for them. “
“ What about the Platinum Child? “ Molly asks, holding the cannon-powering baby in her arms. “ Where is she going to go? “
” She’s got enough power to destroy this whole god-damned Earth if she wanted to, “ Stanng says. “ The Child stays with us. We’re all going to be nannies and like it. “
“ And now, “ he laughs, “ to meet our adoring public. “
“ This is Brian Nutley of Sox News Channel with one of the most exclusively exclusive interviews of all time. A week ago, Earth was invaded by what appeared to be a cadre of intergalactic alternate dimension Nazis, who nearly destroyed Warsaw and a small synagogue in Parodopolis. They were stopped by a new team of superhuman crusaders calling themselves the Commission, who have become instant celebrities in the wake of the destruction of the Nazis’ base, the Uberzeppelin. “
” We have with us today in the studio two of the members of the Commission; Lance Flutterby, better known as the armored hero Bateleur and ‘ Brett ‘ from Palm Beaches, and the relatively unknown Umbra. Hello, you’re on the air. “
” Thanks, Brian. “
“ So, we all know about Lance’s origin and the possession scandals that rocked his career... “
“ I would appreciate if you DIDN’T bring that up. “
” But what about you, Umbra? Where do you come from? “
“ Please, call me Alea. That was my name when I was living in the West Bank. “
“ And what happened to make you stop living there? “
”. Car bomb. My family was killed and I was badly injured until my benefactor found me and rebuilt me with nanotech. With him, we decided to work to make this world a finer one, where people would never again worry about senseless acts of violence. “
“ That’s a tragic story, but what’s this about nanotech? “
” The Commission has technologies far beyond anything this world has ever seen. Our benefactor is a young man whose genius exceeds any other human being. We have armaments that outclass all other countries. And we plan to make good use of them. “
” How? By combatting superhuman menaces, like the Lair Legion does? “
” Please. We have better plans than just fighting petty criminals in tights. You ever heard of Ykraa? “
” If I recall correctly, that’s an isolationist dictatorship in the Pacific Ocean with a record of human rights abuses, also rumored to have an illegal superhuman breeding program... “
” Exactly. We’re going liberate it. By force if necessary. “
” And be sure to check me out in my new movie, The Heart of Music, starring me, Lance Flutterby! It opens in two weeks. “
NEXT: The Commission invades Ykraa.
WHO’S WHO
Jonathan Armstrong Stanng: Fifteen-year-old leader of the Commission with a shaved head. The Platinum Child of the Parodyverse Earth, possesses extremely high-level telekinesis and telepathy, as well as superhuman intelligence. Not known for his social graces.
The Umbra ( Alea, last name unknown ): Stanng’s second in command, a former citizen of the Israel region and current nanotech being. Can reshape her body into any form and take on a jet black sheen that melds into shadows.
Bateleur ( Lance Flutterby ): Famous actor/recording artist who wears a suit of armor that gives him enhanced durability, flight, and a variety of state-of-the-art weapons ( most notably, his solid energy “ claw “ projections ).
“ Massive “ Molly Kitsarugi: Sixty-four foot tall Ykraan warrior goddess who assumes human form via a magical necklace Stanng devised. Possesses enhanced proportionate strength, enhanced durability, and a severe inferiority complex.
The Enlisted ( no name given ): Highly trained super-solider in leather pants who wields a high-powered fusion rifle. Capabilities largely unknown.
Nitz the Bloody ( Shawn Griffon ): The current Priest of Zeku, an ancient world-god who takes the form of an ethereal rhinoceros. Can cast hundreds of different spells triggered by spoken phrases ending in the suffix “ Eku “. Wields a magical cudgel that can be used to open doorways to other dimensions. Currently attending Parodopolis University.
